I would like to start this blog post by taking a moment to apologize for my sporadic posting schedule leading up to my complete absence recently. There were times where I would come back to writing and posting and promise over and over again "I'm back! Don't worry!" and fall off the grid again. Given the lack of consistency, I'm very thankful for my readers whom have stuck around during my absence as well as the new ones gained during said hiatus - Welcome! Its not always like this!
I figured due to a hefty mix of wanting my readers to understand why I fell off the radar for a while as well as a good amount of catharsis for myself, I would share what has been going on with me.
Before anyone begins to worry - nothing lifechanging or terrible happened, just my own personal problems I had to deal with.
If I'm going to give you the short story, its this; I suffer from Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Depression - I have for the better part of 10 years now. It normally does not have drastic effects on my day to day life, but is more something I can live with.
This is where the story gets a little bit longer. The ending part of last year was actually quite positive for me, in hindsight, but the excitement of it was kind of lost in translation for me. It wasn't that I lacked the passion for things I normally enjoy, but rather I lacked the motivation. November through January became work, eat, sleep, repeat for me with little time on the things that I enjoyed outside of work. I felt like I was in a rut, and you know what? That's okay. Its normal and it happens to me every once in a while. I'm accustomed to that being part of my life. February is when things started getting really difficult. Around the second or third week of February, I had a massive panic attack on a Wednesday morning out of the blue. No trigger, just woke up and could hardly get the words out to my mother (who has been my biggest supporter though this) that I thought I might be having one between hyperventilating. These giant panic attacks don't happen often - there will be years in between them sometimes - but they are a pain in the royal rear end to shake. Taking into account how much love and dedication I have to my job - I was out of work for a week. Better yet, I couldn't get myself out of bed for a week. When I have these "episodes" (as I refer to them), they throw my life for a loop. I couldn't sleep, but I was emotionally and physically exhausted. I lost five pounds in a week simply because I could not eat. It made normal tasks into mountains for me.
So I went back to my doctor, and we changed my medication. I'm very blessed to have a doctor who not only understands my condition, but has it herself! She doesn't make me feel like a crazy person, which was the fear that kept me away from getting my initial help until 2010 (when I had my first "episode" in 2005...)
How am I doing now? I would say if before November was a 10 (10 being my "normal") and February being a 1, I'd probably be somewhere between 7 and 8. Almost back to my normal self. I've come to terms that this is something I may have to deal with for the length of my life, and I'm okay with it. We all have struggles and illnesses and what have you, and this one is is mine. I'm very blessed to be surrounded by such a great "support group" of my family and friends and doctor.
So this is a good enough time as any to say, I'm back! I wanted to wait until I felt that I could be consistent and I feel like I'm in that spot again. I have a lot of great new ideas too!
Again, I want to extend thanks to all of you for staying with me - it means the world to me.
I'm going to leave you with a song today. This was written and recorded by one of my nearest and dearest friends who is a very talented musician. Out of all of his songs, this one is my all time favorite and it really speaks to my heart, especially now, so I wanted to share it with you all. Have a wonderful night/day and you'll hear from me very soon!
Travis Mashburn - Faith (Demo)